Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Birthday Post

I have had a very, very hard year. And I don't think a smooth couple of months could recompense for all the heartbreaks that I waded through everyday since March. And all I wanted to do before that was be happy, and I had all these expectations about what my life was going to be by the time I'm 20. And this isn't it.

I have long snapped out of my depression, but I just thought that my happiness goal could make it in time today, so I wouldn't have to wake up on the morning of my birthday feeling totally lacking and empty, which I did. Coupled with a phone call from an estranged cousin who told me I should go by their house, when all of us knows it's not a good idea to drop by considering all the tension around us. But still, I could never cut ties easily and it just breaks my heart to be reminded of all the things wrong in my life on my birthday.

And my mom hasn't called me yet. And I'm having a frustrating time at work, while I wait for my fate to suddenly grow in color or collapse right back to tiny more little pieces. The waiting is the hardest part, indeed, and instead of look forward, I dread the day because I've long been accustomed to having my heart breaking that it's kind of normal for bad things to happen to me. Apparently, that's my deal with the universe.

I'm having spaghetti and Ice Cream for dinner today with the folks at home, and if this were any other day, I wouldn't have cared enough to treat - - but this year, I need all the good vibes I can get. To come home to a dinner-less table and glee-deprived household as my birthday comes to its end after another painstakingly dragging day at the office would just be.........It would be too much.

And I've gone to the bathroom and cried soundless twice this day already, and I haven't even gotten past Lunch, which I decided to ditch because 1.) I have no appetite 2.) I don't like to be greeted over and over again when I'm aching to spend this day being greeted by the only people who could make me happy 3.) I didn't to spoil their happiness with my sourness. They already think I'm weird as it is; I don't need any more bad rep.

So if we could just fast forward please. Because I put the C in Crappy Birthday, and I'm sick of it.

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