Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Skipping Stone

"She's more like a skipping stone. I usually hang on for the ride, see where it takes me. But when the stone stops to skip, it begins to sink. And that's where she is, she's sinking."

I randomly clicked a page on Facebook yesterday, and it reminded me of everything that has happened wrong in the past 4 months. Things that I've been really trying hard to get over, things that I'm letting go, things that shouldn't affect me anymore right now, but it did. It still did. I texted my best friend who I knew was going to have a different opinion than the rest. Not that I'm not grateful, I am, but I needed someone who's likely to tell me something different. Because God knows nothing has been working for me lately. He told me that it was a phase, and I shouldn't rush it, that it was gonna go away. We recalled about the time I'd started college. I quit the Choir, I'd failed the Flame exams, I still didn't have any real friends, I had a conflicting schedule with my roommate - the one person from home I had constantly with me - and every morning before I wait and go to class, I would just lie inside my little dorm room and drown in my own sweat and bitterness. I remember wanting to desperately go home every weekend, just like I do now, to lock myself up in the bedroom and replay High School. The time in my life that I didn't have to work to be happy, I just was. He told me that I always get that kind of phase, that beginnings are supposed to be really hard. And just as things worked out perfectly for me in college, this phase is going to turn out for the best too. I wanted to believe him, I really, really did.

But I couldn't look past anything anymore. Back in college, I always had weekends to look forward to, or the next month, or the next sem, or the next year. I remember I'd hit rock bottom when I was a sophomore. For reasons that were entirely my own, I was buried in deep shit but I've always had tomorrow to look forward to. Now, it feels like there's no tomorrow. It feels like it's always just today, and what I have today is what I'll forever have. And today, I have nothing. And even if I go home, even when I went to Baguio, even when I went back to my High School, desperately seeking for happiness in familiar places and faces, I felt really, really lost. That even if I go to London, I would only just come back with no places left to run away to. It's this sick lump in my heart that I constantly feel throughout the day - the feeling of being stuck with no emergency exit. And that's what I badly need right now, an emergency exit. Something that'd whisk me away from this terrible sadness and make me effortlessly happy, and make it last longer, make it constant, make it so big that no downfall would ever be bigger.

And what's really killing me is that I feel lonely, but I feel stupid. I feel like the people I once thought as shallow, those I've encountered over the years, found out about their problems, rolled my eyes, and wished for their sake that they'd just get over it. I wish it was that easy, and I wish I hadn't been all that judgmental. You never really know what's going on with a person's life even if she appears to be completely fine, or superficial for that matter. I've been saying that I feel like I could use a shrink. Someone to just lift the heavy cloud above my head, and make me see the silver lining here. Because I know there's one. In fact, I know that there's more than just a lining, there's a whole field of gold in front of me and I can't even see it. Even if I know it, I can't feel it.

For the past 4 months, a lot of things had been finding me, from songs to books, to podcasts, to people, to old blogs - a lot of things had been doing for temporary relief. But I feel that I should be permanently well by now. I think it's my fault, in some way, that I've thought too far ahead, and too much, of my life that the litteness of it now is nothing but depressing.

I just wish that I wasn't led on, that's all. I just wish that when I was 16, someone had told me, brutally and honestly, that life was going to be this difficult. I just wish I'd known, so I could've prepared for the rainy days. I just wish someone had given me the nifty umbrella, because right now, I feel like a big thunderstorm had soaked me with all of its fury, reduced everything useful I have to watery trash, left me neck-deep in flood, and everywhere else I can run to for shelter had either been clobbered by water, or too far away. Yes, that's exactly how I feel, like someone had left me in the middle of nowhere, amid a pouring rain, and there's nobody to call.

I've come to respect many people along the way, though. If there's a silver lining, that would be it. That I got to see life and realized it isn't a fairy tale, and that it never was a fairy tale, but there were still people who have came out of this tragic story alive and that they're extremely brave and everyone who's still going through it is just as brave. I just wish I could find the same inspiration. Or maybe I have the same inspiration, or maybe everyone is as sad as me, and I'm just dealing with this more openly - like through this blog. Or maybe I'm brave as well. Maybe I'm even braver. Because I know I've been torn apart in the past 19 years in ways worse than anybody could ever believe. I know because I still hadn't recover, or maybe I won't ever recover. But I know I'm broken, that's the one thing right now that I'm sure of. I'm broken and I don't know what it's gonna take to repair me. At the end of the day, I just wish I had a clue. Because this uncertainty that everyone had raved about being exciting, and had told me to face head-on, is nothing like the thrill they say it is. It's just an old, murky, beat up track, and my both my foot are are locked to the ground. It's a bad dream, that's what it is, and I wish I could wake up. It sounds like a sappy cliche, I know, but I wish I knew better.

My life has been a painful skipping trip, I've sunk a lot of times, but I've also been to the high part of it, but all of this is just making me think how my life could've been more solid, more steady. I wish I could just stop skipping and be strong enough to resist sinking, because a girl like me could use the peace. I could cry my heart out, withdraw from all these anger and bitterness, and I'd still sink. Because iI think if I let go of the weight, I'd be left with nothing. And I know anything is better than nothing. I just wish I have something.

So you know why I want the shrink. The girl they always say who knew, she doesn't know, the girl they always say who comes through, she's stuck. She doesn't know how to skip anymore, because she doesn't know where to go.

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